Are we there yet?

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Friends Provident: Scotland v Yorkshire – Edinburgh, 18th May

It’s not just cricketers from the home counties who get to spend time travelling up Britain’s motorway network with the phrase “It’s grim up North” circling round their minds like a motorbike on a disused wall of death; the Yorkshire squad do too. Obviously there are the seemingly countless times we find ourselves on the A1 going to and from Durham. A trip we take with monotonous regularity, thanks mainly to the new Friends Provident & 20/20 regional zones, as well as a budget for pre-season friendlies that restricted us to anywhere within two hours range of the student railcards the chief exec liberated from the hands of the academy lads – exactly how Ian Dews managed to pass himself off as Joe Root I’ll never know.

But the new FP regional zones also give us a chance for an annual trip up to ‘sunny’ Scotland, one of our longer days out and a stiff test for the ‘Rules of Engagement’ DoubleM has brought in to enforce coach trip discipline:

• Firstly, don’t let the senior pros take on too much liquid before the coach turns up and make sure they visit ‘the houses of parliament’ before setting off. We don’t have time to stop every ten minutes just because bladders are ageing faster than knees.
• Make sure the younger players understand there’ll be no stopping for a McDonalds on the way up, even if there’s a promotion on and they’ve only one more action figure to collect. If they start moaning, threaten to move them away from the window seats. If it’s Bresnan, threaten to take away the new ball (but don’t say that within earshot of Pyrah or he won’t be able to sit still all journey).
• Ensure the bowlers all use the special Stannah stair lift we had installed at the front of the coach, as our lot are far too injury prone to risk with a set of steps. If it’s a climb up to the dressing room when we get there, Brophy & Lyth have to give them piggyback rides. Mags doesn’t count as a bowler for this, as forcing young Adam to lift him would be borderline abuse.
• Do not allow Ajmal anywhere near the coach tape deck.
• On the way back, if we stop for a meal, it’s somewhere inexpensive. Which means nowhere with a wine list, especially if Vaughan’s with us, as he might actually know how to order something.
• If there’s a second teamer with us on his first trip, don’t let Mags sit him down next to Sayers, tell Joe the kid thinks the science in Doctor Who could actually work, then walk off and leave him too it. That was only funny the first time.
• Seriously, don’t allow Ajmal anywhere near the coach tape deck. Steve Oldham’s still got the shakes from last time.

All sounds a bit St Trinian’s I know, but it’s the only way for us to survive the long journeys you get on the county circuit with our sanity intact, with the results in this match being our most professional performance of the season. In fact you could well use it as a blueprint for how we should approach this competition: Give Bres the new ball, rotate the bowlers frequently so the opposition batsmen can’t fully settle and take regular wickets to stop momentum building. Don’t panic if we lose early wickets ourselves, have someone aim to play right through (in this case White) and know with wickets in hand you can accelerate the scoring in the later overs. Champion stuff.

So, a comfortable win, chippy on the way home and all ending with the sight of young, professional athletes gently descending from a coach on equipment designed for infirm senior citizens. I should of brought me camera…

Si’thee later,

Len

~ by lentheyorkshirekitman on 18 May, 2008.